THREE
Sunday. 2:01am. On the road again.
Today was hell, for lack of a better way of putting it. It seemed like Ike and Zac did nothing but bitch at me, like I couldn't do anything right. And maybe I deserved some of it. I did find myself spacing out a few times, but shit, we're all allowed to have our moments, right?
Apparently I had a few too many today.
I did good, though, I think. I stayed off of my phone all day. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. It didn't stop me from
daydreaming, however.
Do men do that? Daydream? Or do we fantasize? What's the difference?
I lay here in my bunk, dark and alone. The bus isn't totally quiet tonight, however. Zac and Andrew are wired and I hear them gaming loudly in the common area at the front of the bus. I don't mind. As long as they don't disturb me, I don't really care what they do.
I have to admit, though, it does seem to kill the mood a little bit as I light my phone up in my bunk, but it actually helps a little. I need to not be so invested as I have been lately and the sounds of whatever the two guys are killing come as a welcome distraction.
I pull up the app wall and I scroll. I take my time this time. I actually stop to read over a few other posts that amuse me and it calms me a little. I need not be so anxious every time I get on here.
Except that I am. I need to know if she's posted today. I was good all day, I should be rewarded for that. Right?
I am. I am rewarded for it. Holy shit, am I rewarded. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I need to not over-react. That much I know. Over-reacting is bad but I can hardly contain myself. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like a seventh-grade boy right now? It's fucking insane.
She likes to share her life with her online friends. All of them do. It's a girl thing, I guess, I don't know. And right now I don't care because I'm loving it. I'm literally losing my mind at the picture she posted earlier today and I can't believe I'm losing my mind, but I am. I feel pathetic about it but I don't care about that, either. Right now, all I care about is what is on my screen in front of my face.
She's at the beach. She's at the beach and she didn't disappoint me. She thought about me. With the picture she posted, the caption says, "Spreading a little Hanson love from the beach!" In the picture she has built a raised version of our band's symbol out of sand. She sits next to it, comfortably, on her knees. Her hands rest on her knees and her smile is infectious as the beach wind is blowing her hair wildly. Except that I'm not paying attention to her infectious smile or her sexy wind-blown hair. I'm being driven insane by the amount of skin I'm seeing outside of her pink bikini. It's the most skin she's ever posted of herself, anywhere, and I would know since I've literally seen every picture she's ever posted online. I'm not necessarily proud of that fact but it relieves me to know that I haven't missed anything.
My throat suddenly feels like it's going to close up and I hurriedly rush to Facebook. The majority of her pictures always go there. I pull up her Facebook page and I feel myself silently mouthing "Oh my god" as I go through the newest pictures she's just posted from her weekend getaway. Almost all of them show her completely bikini-clad. This is the first time I've ever actually seen her body. She's more tan than I thought she was against the bright pink material and my eyes are immediately drawn to the hourglass shape of her waist. She radiates off the screen, just...radiates...
There are several more pictures of her with the sand symbol and it dawns on me--did she post that picture on the app for me? Do you think maybe...? I mean, she didn't HAVE to post it on the app, right? She could have left it on Facebook or Tweeted it or put it on Instagram. But she didn't.
I check all my sources to be sure and I'm right. Nothing on Instagram. Nothing on Twi--wait. I scroll through all the unchecked notifications on the band's Twitter account and find one from hours ago. Hers. It's the picture. The one from the app. She's posted the same caption, but tagged us in her tweet. My heart flip flops, partly in excitement and partly in fear. She meant for me to see it. She meant it. This is for me.
It has to be. She wants me to see her. She wants me to watch. She wants me to wait. She wants me to depend on her.
I go back to Facebook for another look. I can't stay away. I only notice I'm biting my bottom lip when it starts to hurt. And suddenly...suddenly my dick can't take it anymore. It seems to have taken on a life of its own and I never meant for that to happen. I break into a sweat and my breathing hastens as I feel my hand start to twitch. No. No, this can't happen. This was never supposed to come to that. I know what my dick wants and I know what my hand wants to do--but I can't allow it. I just can't. If I do, it's over. It's no longer a mystery. No longer a fantasy. The thrill will be gone.
But goddamn I'm throbbing and it's nearly unbearable. I close out all my apps and put my phone down beside me but the vision is still ingrained in my mind. I close my eyes tight and swallow hard, taking a deep breath and clinching my fist shut. Wouldn't it be just like watching a porno? What would be the difference? It wouldn't take long at all--
No. Porn isn't real. But HER--she is real. And what would she think? What would she think if she knew I was jerking off to her picture?
My eyes snap open again. She would never know. She would never know how hard she makes me because it's my secret. Nobody would know. My fist slowly unclenches and my hand opens up again. My dick still throbs and I can't get her in her pink bikini out of my mind.
My fingers begin to move and my arm slowly moves down as I notice that my mind has changed and I'm ready. I almost reach the seam of my pants when screams suddenly ring out from the common area and Zac and Andrew are cheering about something pertaining to the video game they've been involved in. I nearly jump out of my skin and jerk my hand out of the vicinity of my crotch as my heart feels as if it will pound out of my chest. They scared the ever-loving shit out of me and I couldn't have been more grateful. I take a deep breath, happy that the thought of my brother saving me from my dick has quickly chased my hard-on away.
That was a close call. Too close. I don't think I need to get THIS involved in my social media. I make myself comfortable and close
my eyes and attempt to sleep while pondering the idea of uninstalling all of the apps from my phone.
_________________________________________________________
Friday. Noonish. Just arrived at the venue.
As we pull up to the venue, I decide that sleep is overrated. Who needs it anyway? Just because I hardly slept last night doesn't mean rest is totally necessary all the time, right? It took awhile to convince myself of that. I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment.
Today's the day and I tossed and turned all night last night. It's been a week since I've been on any social media. All of it. I haven't opened a single app. I couldn't. Not after almost losing myself to it. It definitely gets lonely on the road, no doubt about it. But the point to jerking off to it? I needed a hobby and fast.
The next time we stopped I grabbed up a few books and managed to lose myself in one of them. I've never been so thankful for a piece of literature in my entire life. It completely consumed all of my free time and I gladly allowed it. The book was so compelling I was actually able to go without even thinking of my phone most of the week--up until today, that is.
Today was HER show and I woke up this morning with an insatiable urge to check up on her. She had posted on the app several times already. Early this morning she had posted how she was getting ready to drive here.
She and her friends discussed meeting up.
I can't begin to describe how my nerves are consuming me. As we pull up, Ike and Zac are peeking out the tinted windows to see how big the early crowd is. "A hundred, maybe?" Zac guesses. "Maybe more."
I hang back and let them look. I can't do it. I can't look out the window. Instead I take one last look to the app to see an update on
her, if she's posted any. She has. She's here. She's here right now. She's posting parking instructions to her friends. I can't look anymore. I just can't do it. My palms are already sweaty and my heart is already racing and I can't get rid of my phone fast enough.
I need a distraction. And fast.
_______________________________________________________
Friday. 3:35pm. Prepping for the walk.
Not only is sleeping overrated, but eating apparently is, too. Who the hell needs to live at all? It's all overrated. Every single bit of it.
Because I couldn't eat. I picked at my food. Ate a few bites. But besides the copious amounts of caffeine in my system which, by the way, picked a hell of a day to actually affect me, my nerves were so completely shot in every way possible--and it felt good as hell.
The rush was coming back, I could feel it. The thrill. I was about to see her in the flesh for the very first time. I hoped to not be disappointed. I couldn't be. There was no way.
I almost backed out. At the last second I almost backed out of the walk. Almost handed my megaphone to Ike and almost told him I wasn't feeling well enough to do it. But then I glanced at the doors just beyond us, knowing she was out there waiting for me, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I took a deep breath and started for the door.
Getting out the glass doors of the venue proves to be a slight struggle, but it's not as bad as it could have been. The fans that were taking pictures through the glass a moment ago now back away to let us through and I find that very gracious of them. This might be an easy day today.
I immediately scan the crowd in front of me as I walk out the door but I don't see her. Maybe that's a good thing right now. I have to give this little speech before we get started and I don't really need the distraction. I would prefer this day move along as smoothly as possible.
I look around for something to stand on and I pick a chair that one of the street team leaders had been sitting in. I begin to step up in it and I stop, looking at the chair and then back at Ike and Zac in horror. Is this flimsy plastic thing going to hold me?? The last thing I need to do is bust my face in front of HER but my lack of options leaves me little to no choice. Ike steps up beside me and I use his shoulder as leverage and I make sure that I'm balanced before letting him go. I look down at him and motion for him to stay there in case something tragic should happen with the chair. He stays where he is and I feel more secure.
I barely get a sentence out of my mouth when a girl right below me, several people away, turns around from giggling with her friend and instantly locks eyes with me. It's HER. How did I not notice her a minute ago? She was standing right in front of me the whole time! She's changed her hair. It looks nothing like it did in the pictures I've seen of her. I decide I like it. It's wavy and untamed and it reminds me of bed hair.
My throat begins to close up again and my heart begins to pound. I start forgetting what to say. She's smaller than I thought she would be. Her eyes are boring into mine and I desperately need to look away. She radiates...and what she radiates now is not even close to what she radiates over a screen.
What she radiates now, in person, is pure, raw, unadulterated sex. And now I can hardly speak.
The thrill and the onslaught of adrenaline immediately pulse through my veins with a vengeance and the feeling makes me ready to conquer the world. I feel invincible right now and suddenly I can't wipe the smile off of my face. I find my voice again and I go
through my speech flawlessly. She takes one or two pictures and then I watch her put her camera back in her purse instead of carrying it out in the open like everyone else. This makes me curious. She's watching me. She's paying attention to me. She hardly glances at Ike and Zac and this makes me smile more. She's here for me. I can see it. I can feel it.
Her eyes never once leave mine.
___________________________________________________
Friday. 3:42pm. Starting the walk.
I wrap up my speech and Ike helps me down off of the flimsy death chair. Within seconds he and Zac are gone, taking two-thirds of the crowd with them. I take my time starting, stalling, trying to pay attention to what her next move is but I don't have much time
to waste without raising any eyebrows.
She doesn't move and I'm forced to walk past her. Her eyes never leave me. I glance at her as I pass, my heart rate increasing at the thought of being so close to her. I walk with the crowd less than a block before I need to stop and make sure my part of the crowd at the back of the walk gets across the street safely.
I step onto the curb and stop and look behind me and I see her coming toward me--with her boyfriend. When the fuck had she
mentioned this?? If I hadn't spent an entire week away from my phone I probably could have been prepared for it.
I don't get the opportunity to help her onto the curb, which would have been a perfect ice-breaker. Instead she glances at me as her boyfriend takes her hand and helps her up. As chivalrous as the act is, he seems like a chump and I don't like him.
As I'm confident the last of the crowd has made it safely across, I continue my normal swift pace--partly because of how hot the
pavement is against my bare feet, but mostly so I don't lose sight of her. I get caught by numerous fans, each of them having things to say to me. I try to respond to them all as politely as possible but I feel like I'm on a mission and I feel like I'm being held back. Every second my attention is taken away is a second I lose sight of her.
I look up ahead of me and I notice that she is merely two or three people ahead of me. Her boyfriend is nowhere to be found. Could they have been separated that quickly? I smile as I see her alone, talking and laughing with her friends. Her voice is as smooth as I could have dreamed it would be and her laugh every bit as sexy. I want to make her laugh so bad I can't stand it.
My eyes are suddenly drawn to her ass and I have to take a deep breath. She probably has the most perfect ass I've ever seen and I've never been much of an ass-man. Not until today, anyway. There's a fan on the left and a fan on the right of me and they're
both talking. I have no idea what they're saying, so I nod and say "Okay" and "Yeah" as I watch HER walk in front of me. Her she walks with a sultry sway, her feet gracefully sweeping across the pavement. Every bit of it is natural. Every damn sex-filled bit of it.
I can't walk behind her anymore.
I quicken my pace, feigning the need to "herd" the crowd, so to speak. I pass by her and she notices instantly, her eyes never leaving me. I turn around and walk backward for a second, pretending to check out the crowd. She never changes her pace. She never quickens or slows down. She keeps her same, comfortable pace, and it's clear to me now that she doesn't intend to change it. A quick flash of a faint smile crosses her lips as we lock eyes and I know now that she intends for me do the work.
Is this all in my mind? Am I delusional? Am I reading what I WANT to read into nothing more than a mere hot girl? There are tons of hot girls, several of them around me right now. Hotter than HER, even. Why am I slowly gaining an address at the nearest asylum??
Because she is too damn sexy. There's an edge there. A spark in her eye. All of it sex. I absorb and inhale the sex that flows from her. I don't even think she knows she's seducing me. Not even for a second.
Is that what this is? Is she seducing me? If she is, she doesn't have to try hard at all. It's completely working, completely against my will.
________________________________________________________
Friday. 4:00pm. Mid walk.
We find a grassy area that we can all fit in for the mid point pause in the walk and as my bare feet touch the soft, cool grass, I'm certain I can hear them singing. The relief I feel is almost as much of an adrenaline rush as I get being in HER presence.
But only almost.
I find a low wall to stand on and, for reasons unbeknownst to me, Ike and Zac stick to their spots in the crowd, watching me from afar. Is this a joke? Is there a reason they're not joining me to address the crowd like they normally do? I feel panic start to rise in me. Do they know? Do they know that I watch? Do they know that I wait? Do they know that I depend on her??
I have another speech to deliver and I don't have time to worry about what Ike and Zac are thinking right now. The megaphone feels heavier than normal in my hand and I scan the crowd for a second before I start to speak, spotting HER mere feet away from me. She stares me down intently as I talk and I notice that she's not taking pictures like everyone else is. Why isn't she taking any pictures of me? I don't understand it. All the other girls are. Is it me? Does she not like the way I look today? I didn't wear my hat or my suspenders, or even sunglasses because I didn't want to take any chances.
I look around over the crowd as I talk, trying desperately to hold on to my composure. Every time I look her way our eyes
lock and I feel flustered. I just need to hold it together. Just another minute longer.
________________________________________________________
Friday. 4:07pm. Last half of the walk.
The minute feels like an eternity and finally I'm able to wrap up my speech. To my horror, she doesn't wait for me. She continues walking with her friends without giving me a second look. Did she just blow me off? What did that mean? Am I reading too much into it again? This half of the walk I decide I'm on a mission. After all, I may never see her again after this. She may get lost in the crowd at tonight's show and who knows if she'll wait by the bus or not?
Other fans speak to me as I walk and I speak back. They ask generic questions and I give them generic answers. I try to keep it together and act as normal as possible but I notice her mere feet in front of me once more and my heart begins to race in response. She's having fun. She's laughing and talking with her friends, oblivious to her surroundings. However it's when I notice her talking
and her friends not responding to her when I realize she's not actually talking to her friends--she's laughing and cutting up with Ike.
Ike??? Where did he come from? How did I manage to catch up with him?
My blood boils. I hadn't even had the opportunity to speak to her yet and Ike was already having a ball with her, it seemed. I feel like
he's doing this on purpose and now I'm almost certain he shares my secret crush. He has to. I see no other explanation for the scene I'm witnessing.
And where is her boyfriend? Why isn't he swooping in and reclaiming her from Ike?
Suddenly her name rings out from somewhere behind me and I can't help but turn around to find out who the girl is who's calling it. I slam into someone in front of me, a result of my not watching where I'm walking, and only to realize it's her who has stopped randomly in the middle of the sidewalk to see who's doing the calling.
As a reflex, I catch her arm to keep her from falling and she looks at me, her eyes filled with horror. It's only now that I realize she's nervous. She's completely terrified of me and I can feel it and I don't think I understand why. Well maybe I do understand but it
would be completely conceited for me to address it so I choose to ignore myself. "I am so sorry," she says to me. Her apology is genuine and I realize I still have ahold of her arm.
Flustered, I smile and let go of her and tell her that it's okay. "I turned around, too," I offer in hopes to calm her a little. It seems to work but not before she tells me how embarrassed she is and then apologizes once more.
Within seconds the moment dissipates and her friend from behind catches up with her. Just when I think she has gone back to ignoring me, I find myself walking alongside her, completely by chance. At the realization I somehow trip over my own feet and thankfully she doesn't notice my stumble. Either that or she does and she chooses to keep it to herself. Either way I realize we're nearing the end of the walk and I begin to freak out internally because, honestly, I don't know if I'll ever see her again.
Out of mere desperation I spit the words out of my mouth. "So I figure it's only appropriate that I know your name after meeting like we just did." I cringe at myself immediately. Why couldn't "Hey, what's your name?" be good enough? Why did I have to say all THAT?
She looks at me and laughs and tells me her name. I already know her name. She doesn't know it, but I do. An ice-breaker was an ice-breaker and it seemed to relax her a little. I'm feeling a little braver. I ask her another question. "Is this your first show?"
She says it isn't. My head spins at the thought of coming in contact with her at other shows in the past. I wish I knew she existed then and, even worse, I wish I remembered her but I don't. "Cool," I simply say. And then I ask her, "So how many shows are you going to on this tour?"
She doesn't answer immediately and I swallow hard. Is she disinterested in me now? Am I asking too many questions? Finally she says, "I don't know yet. I had only planned on this one but my arm's kinda being twisted to go to more." She laughs. I like when she laughs.
I find myself smiling at her answer. "Well what's your determining factor?"
Immediately I know I've asked a potentially dangerous question and I don't know if she realizes it or not. By this time it dawns on me
that I'm still not sure if she knows--I don't know if she knows that I watch. If she knows that I wait. If she knows that I depend on
her.
"Convenience," she says to me, her eyes burning a hole right through me.
I look back at her, completely unable to form any more words. So I don't. I know now that any more words or actions on my part could potentially be my undoing so I have no choice but to abandon the conversation, which kills me, but it must be done. For my
sanity, it must be done.
I glance at her friends and they're all gaping at me. Another fan on the other side of me, not affiliated with HER group, is trying to get my attention, so I exit my current conversation. Gracefully I tell her that it was nice to meet her and that I hope to see her at more shows. I hope she catches what I did there. I sincerely hope she gets it.
Sunday. 2:01am. On the road again.
Today was hell, for lack of a better way of putting it. It seemed like Ike and Zac did nothing but bitch at me, like I couldn't do anything right. And maybe I deserved some of it. I did find myself spacing out a few times, but shit, we're all allowed to have our moments, right?
Apparently I had a few too many today.
I did good, though, I think. I stayed off of my phone all day. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. It didn't stop me from
daydreaming, however.
Do men do that? Daydream? Or do we fantasize? What's the difference?
I lay here in my bunk, dark and alone. The bus isn't totally quiet tonight, however. Zac and Andrew are wired and I hear them gaming loudly in the common area at the front of the bus. I don't mind. As long as they don't disturb me, I don't really care what they do.
I have to admit, though, it does seem to kill the mood a little bit as I light my phone up in my bunk, but it actually helps a little. I need to not be so invested as I have been lately and the sounds of whatever the two guys are killing come as a welcome distraction.
I pull up the app wall and I scroll. I take my time this time. I actually stop to read over a few other posts that amuse me and it calms me a little. I need not be so anxious every time I get on here.
Except that I am. I need to know if she's posted today. I was good all day, I should be rewarded for that. Right?
I am. I am rewarded for it. Holy shit, am I rewarded. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I need to not over-react. That much I know. Over-reacting is bad but I can hardly contain myself. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like a seventh-grade boy right now? It's fucking insane.
She likes to share her life with her online friends. All of them do. It's a girl thing, I guess, I don't know. And right now I don't care because I'm loving it. I'm literally losing my mind at the picture she posted earlier today and I can't believe I'm losing my mind, but I am. I feel pathetic about it but I don't care about that, either. Right now, all I care about is what is on my screen in front of my face.
She's at the beach. She's at the beach and she didn't disappoint me. She thought about me. With the picture she posted, the caption says, "Spreading a little Hanson love from the beach!" In the picture she has built a raised version of our band's symbol out of sand. She sits next to it, comfortably, on her knees. Her hands rest on her knees and her smile is infectious as the beach wind is blowing her hair wildly. Except that I'm not paying attention to her infectious smile or her sexy wind-blown hair. I'm being driven insane by the amount of skin I'm seeing outside of her pink bikini. It's the most skin she's ever posted of herself, anywhere, and I would know since I've literally seen every picture she's ever posted online. I'm not necessarily proud of that fact but it relieves me to know that I haven't missed anything.
My throat suddenly feels like it's going to close up and I hurriedly rush to Facebook. The majority of her pictures always go there. I pull up her Facebook page and I feel myself silently mouthing "Oh my god" as I go through the newest pictures she's just posted from her weekend getaway. Almost all of them show her completely bikini-clad. This is the first time I've ever actually seen her body. She's more tan than I thought she was against the bright pink material and my eyes are immediately drawn to the hourglass shape of her waist. She radiates off the screen, just...radiates...
There are several more pictures of her with the sand symbol and it dawns on me--did she post that picture on the app for me? Do you think maybe...? I mean, she didn't HAVE to post it on the app, right? She could have left it on Facebook or Tweeted it or put it on Instagram. But she didn't.
I check all my sources to be sure and I'm right. Nothing on Instagram. Nothing on Twi--wait. I scroll through all the unchecked notifications on the band's Twitter account and find one from hours ago. Hers. It's the picture. The one from the app. She's posted the same caption, but tagged us in her tweet. My heart flip flops, partly in excitement and partly in fear. She meant for me to see it. She meant it. This is for me.
It has to be. She wants me to see her. She wants me to watch. She wants me to wait. She wants me to depend on her.
I go back to Facebook for another look. I can't stay away. I only notice I'm biting my bottom lip when it starts to hurt. And suddenly...suddenly my dick can't take it anymore. It seems to have taken on a life of its own and I never meant for that to happen. I break into a sweat and my breathing hastens as I feel my hand start to twitch. No. No, this can't happen. This was never supposed to come to that. I know what my dick wants and I know what my hand wants to do--but I can't allow it. I just can't. If I do, it's over. It's no longer a mystery. No longer a fantasy. The thrill will be gone.
But goddamn I'm throbbing and it's nearly unbearable. I close out all my apps and put my phone down beside me but the vision is still ingrained in my mind. I close my eyes tight and swallow hard, taking a deep breath and clinching my fist shut. Wouldn't it be just like watching a porno? What would be the difference? It wouldn't take long at all--
No. Porn isn't real. But HER--she is real. And what would she think? What would she think if she knew I was jerking off to her picture?
My eyes snap open again. She would never know. She would never know how hard she makes me because it's my secret. Nobody would know. My fist slowly unclenches and my hand opens up again. My dick still throbs and I can't get her in her pink bikini out of my mind.
My fingers begin to move and my arm slowly moves down as I notice that my mind has changed and I'm ready. I almost reach the seam of my pants when screams suddenly ring out from the common area and Zac and Andrew are cheering about something pertaining to the video game they've been involved in. I nearly jump out of my skin and jerk my hand out of the vicinity of my crotch as my heart feels as if it will pound out of my chest. They scared the ever-loving shit out of me and I couldn't have been more grateful. I take a deep breath, happy that the thought of my brother saving me from my dick has quickly chased my hard-on away.
That was a close call. Too close. I don't think I need to get THIS involved in my social media. I make myself comfortable and close
my eyes and attempt to sleep while pondering the idea of uninstalling all of the apps from my phone.
_________________________________________________________
Friday. Noonish. Just arrived at the venue.
As we pull up to the venue, I decide that sleep is overrated. Who needs it anyway? Just because I hardly slept last night doesn't mean rest is totally necessary all the time, right? It took awhile to convince myself of that. I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment.
Today's the day and I tossed and turned all night last night. It's been a week since I've been on any social media. All of it. I haven't opened a single app. I couldn't. Not after almost losing myself to it. It definitely gets lonely on the road, no doubt about it. But the point to jerking off to it? I needed a hobby and fast.
The next time we stopped I grabbed up a few books and managed to lose myself in one of them. I've never been so thankful for a piece of literature in my entire life. It completely consumed all of my free time and I gladly allowed it. The book was so compelling I was actually able to go without even thinking of my phone most of the week--up until today, that is.
Today was HER show and I woke up this morning with an insatiable urge to check up on her. She had posted on the app several times already. Early this morning she had posted how she was getting ready to drive here.
She and her friends discussed meeting up.
I can't begin to describe how my nerves are consuming me. As we pull up, Ike and Zac are peeking out the tinted windows to see how big the early crowd is. "A hundred, maybe?" Zac guesses. "Maybe more."
I hang back and let them look. I can't do it. I can't look out the window. Instead I take one last look to the app to see an update on
her, if she's posted any. She has. She's here. She's here right now. She's posting parking instructions to her friends. I can't look anymore. I just can't do it. My palms are already sweaty and my heart is already racing and I can't get rid of my phone fast enough.
I need a distraction. And fast.
_______________________________________________________
Friday. 3:35pm. Prepping for the walk.
Not only is sleeping overrated, but eating apparently is, too. Who the hell needs to live at all? It's all overrated. Every single bit of it.
Because I couldn't eat. I picked at my food. Ate a few bites. But besides the copious amounts of caffeine in my system which, by the way, picked a hell of a day to actually affect me, my nerves were so completely shot in every way possible--and it felt good as hell.
The rush was coming back, I could feel it. The thrill. I was about to see her in the flesh for the very first time. I hoped to not be disappointed. I couldn't be. There was no way.
I almost backed out. At the last second I almost backed out of the walk. Almost handed my megaphone to Ike and almost told him I wasn't feeling well enough to do it. But then I glanced at the doors just beyond us, knowing she was out there waiting for me, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I took a deep breath and started for the door.
Getting out the glass doors of the venue proves to be a slight struggle, but it's not as bad as it could have been. The fans that were taking pictures through the glass a moment ago now back away to let us through and I find that very gracious of them. This might be an easy day today.
I immediately scan the crowd in front of me as I walk out the door but I don't see her. Maybe that's a good thing right now. I have to give this little speech before we get started and I don't really need the distraction. I would prefer this day move along as smoothly as possible.
I look around for something to stand on and I pick a chair that one of the street team leaders had been sitting in. I begin to step up in it and I stop, looking at the chair and then back at Ike and Zac in horror. Is this flimsy plastic thing going to hold me?? The last thing I need to do is bust my face in front of HER but my lack of options leaves me little to no choice. Ike steps up beside me and I use his shoulder as leverage and I make sure that I'm balanced before letting him go. I look down at him and motion for him to stay there in case something tragic should happen with the chair. He stays where he is and I feel more secure.
I barely get a sentence out of my mouth when a girl right below me, several people away, turns around from giggling with her friend and instantly locks eyes with me. It's HER. How did I not notice her a minute ago? She was standing right in front of me the whole time! She's changed her hair. It looks nothing like it did in the pictures I've seen of her. I decide I like it. It's wavy and untamed and it reminds me of bed hair.
My throat begins to close up again and my heart begins to pound. I start forgetting what to say. She's smaller than I thought she would be. Her eyes are boring into mine and I desperately need to look away. She radiates...and what she radiates now is not even close to what she radiates over a screen.
What she radiates now, in person, is pure, raw, unadulterated sex. And now I can hardly speak.
The thrill and the onslaught of adrenaline immediately pulse through my veins with a vengeance and the feeling makes me ready to conquer the world. I feel invincible right now and suddenly I can't wipe the smile off of my face. I find my voice again and I go
through my speech flawlessly. She takes one or two pictures and then I watch her put her camera back in her purse instead of carrying it out in the open like everyone else. This makes me curious. She's watching me. She's paying attention to me. She hardly glances at Ike and Zac and this makes me smile more. She's here for me. I can see it. I can feel it.
Her eyes never once leave mine.
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Friday. 3:42pm. Starting the walk.
I wrap up my speech and Ike helps me down off of the flimsy death chair. Within seconds he and Zac are gone, taking two-thirds of the crowd with them. I take my time starting, stalling, trying to pay attention to what her next move is but I don't have much time
to waste without raising any eyebrows.
She doesn't move and I'm forced to walk past her. Her eyes never leave me. I glance at her as I pass, my heart rate increasing at the thought of being so close to her. I walk with the crowd less than a block before I need to stop and make sure my part of the crowd at the back of the walk gets across the street safely.
I step onto the curb and stop and look behind me and I see her coming toward me--with her boyfriend. When the fuck had she
mentioned this?? If I hadn't spent an entire week away from my phone I probably could have been prepared for it.
I don't get the opportunity to help her onto the curb, which would have been a perfect ice-breaker. Instead she glances at me as her boyfriend takes her hand and helps her up. As chivalrous as the act is, he seems like a chump and I don't like him.
As I'm confident the last of the crowd has made it safely across, I continue my normal swift pace--partly because of how hot the
pavement is against my bare feet, but mostly so I don't lose sight of her. I get caught by numerous fans, each of them having things to say to me. I try to respond to them all as politely as possible but I feel like I'm on a mission and I feel like I'm being held back. Every second my attention is taken away is a second I lose sight of her.
I look up ahead of me and I notice that she is merely two or three people ahead of me. Her boyfriend is nowhere to be found. Could they have been separated that quickly? I smile as I see her alone, talking and laughing with her friends. Her voice is as smooth as I could have dreamed it would be and her laugh every bit as sexy. I want to make her laugh so bad I can't stand it.
My eyes are suddenly drawn to her ass and I have to take a deep breath. She probably has the most perfect ass I've ever seen and I've never been much of an ass-man. Not until today, anyway. There's a fan on the left and a fan on the right of me and they're
both talking. I have no idea what they're saying, so I nod and say "Okay" and "Yeah" as I watch HER walk in front of me. Her she walks with a sultry sway, her feet gracefully sweeping across the pavement. Every bit of it is natural. Every damn sex-filled bit of it.
I can't walk behind her anymore.
I quicken my pace, feigning the need to "herd" the crowd, so to speak. I pass by her and she notices instantly, her eyes never leaving me. I turn around and walk backward for a second, pretending to check out the crowd. She never changes her pace. She never quickens or slows down. She keeps her same, comfortable pace, and it's clear to me now that she doesn't intend to change it. A quick flash of a faint smile crosses her lips as we lock eyes and I know now that she intends for me do the work.
Is this all in my mind? Am I delusional? Am I reading what I WANT to read into nothing more than a mere hot girl? There are tons of hot girls, several of them around me right now. Hotter than HER, even. Why am I slowly gaining an address at the nearest asylum??
Because she is too damn sexy. There's an edge there. A spark in her eye. All of it sex. I absorb and inhale the sex that flows from her. I don't even think she knows she's seducing me. Not even for a second.
Is that what this is? Is she seducing me? If she is, she doesn't have to try hard at all. It's completely working, completely against my will.
________________________________________________________
Friday. 4:00pm. Mid walk.
We find a grassy area that we can all fit in for the mid point pause in the walk and as my bare feet touch the soft, cool grass, I'm certain I can hear them singing. The relief I feel is almost as much of an adrenaline rush as I get being in HER presence.
But only almost.
I find a low wall to stand on and, for reasons unbeknownst to me, Ike and Zac stick to their spots in the crowd, watching me from afar. Is this a joke? Is there a reason they're not joining me to address the crowd like they normally do? I feel panic start to rise in me. Do they know? Do they know that I watch? Do they know that I wait? Do they know that I depend on her??
I have another speech to deliver and I don't have time to worry about what Ike and Zac are thinking right now. The megaphone feels heavier than normal in my hand and I scan the crowd for a second before I start to speak, spotting HER mere feet away from me. She stares me down intently as I talk and I notice that she's not taking pictures like everyone else is. Why isn't she taking any pictures of me? I don't understand it. All the other girls are. Is it me? Does she not like the way I look today? I didn't wear my hat or my suspenders, or even sunglasses because I didn't want to take any chances.
I look around over the crowd as I talk, trying desperately to hold on to my composure. Every time I look her way our eyes
lock and I feel flustered. I just need to hold it together. Just another minute longer.
________________________________________________________
Friday. 4:07pm. Last half of the walk.
The minute feels like an eternity and finally I'm able to wrap up my speech. To my horror, she doesn't wait for me. She continues walking with her friends without giving me a second look. Did she just blow me off? What did that mean? Am I reading too much into it again? This half of the walk I decide I'm on a mission. After all, I may never see her again after this. She may get lost in the crowd at tonight's show and who knows if she'll wait by the bus or not?
Other fans speak to me as I walk and I speak back. They ask generic questions and I give them generic answers. I try to keep it together and act as normal as possible but I notice her mere feet in front of me once more and my heart begins to race in response. She's having fun. She's laughing and talking with her friends, oblivious to her surroundings. However it's when I notice her talking
and her friends not responding to her when I realize she's not actually talking to her friends--she's laughing and cutting up with Ike.
Ike??? Where did he come from? How did I manage to catch up with him?
My blood boils. I hadn't even had the opportunity to speak to her yet and Ike was already having a ball with her, it seemed. I feel like
he's doing this on purpose and now I'm almost certain he shares my secret crush. He has to. I see no other explanation for the scene I'm witnessing.
And where is her boyfriend? Why isn't he swooping in and reclaiming her from Ike?
Suddenly her name rings out from somewhere behind me and I can't help but turn around to find out who the girl is who's calling it. I slam into someone in front of me, a result of my not watching where I'm walking, and only to realize it's her who has stopped randomly in the middle of the sidewalk to see who's doing the calling.
As a reflex, I catch her arm to keep her from falling and she looks at me, her eyes filled with horror. It's only now that I realize she's nervous. She's completely terrified of me and I can feel it and I don't think I understand why. Well maybe I do understand but it
would be completely conceited for me to address it so I choose to ignore myself. "I am so sorry," she says to me. Her apology is genuine and I realize I still have ahold of her arm.
Flustered, I smile and let go of her and tell her that it's okay. "I turned around, too," I offer in hopes to calm her a little. It seems to work but not before she tells me how embarrassed she is and then apologizes once more.
Within seconds the moment dissipates and her friend from behind catches up with her. Just when I think she has gone back to ignoring me, I find myself walking alongside her, completely by chance. At the realization I somehow trip over my own feet and thankfully she doesn't notice my stumble. Either that or she does and she chooses to keep it to herself. Either way I realize we're nearing the end of the walk and I begin to freak out internally because, honestly, I don't know if I'll ever see her again.
Out of mere desperation I spit the words out of my mouth. "So I figure it's only appropriate that I know your name after meeting like we just did." I cringe at myself immediately. Why couldn't "Hey, what's your name?" be good enough? Why did I have to say all THAT?
She looks at me and laughs and tells me her name. I already know her name. She doesn't know it, but I do. An ice-breaker was an ice-breaker and it seemed to relax her a little. I'm feeling a little braver. I ask her another question. "Is this your first show?"
She says it isn't. My head spins at the thought of coming in contact with her at other shows in the past. I wish I knew she existed then and, even worse, I wish I remembered her but I don't. "Cool," I simply say. And then I ask her, "So how many shows are you going to on this tour?"
She doesn't answer immediately and I swallow hard. Is she disinterested in me now? Am I asking too many questions? Finally she says, "I don't know yet. I had only planned on this one but my arm's kinda being twisted to go to more." She laughs. I like when she laughs.
I find myself smiling at her answer. "Well what's your determining factor?"
Immediately I know I've asked a potentially dangerous question and I don't know if she realizes it or not. By this time it dawns on me
that I'm still not sure if she knows--I don't know if she knows that I watch. If she knows that I wait. If she knows that I depend on
her.
"Convenience," she says to me, her eyes burning a hole right through me.
I look back at her, completely unable to form any more words. So I don't. I know now that any more words or actions on my part could potentially be my undoing so I have no choice but to abandon the conversation, which kills me, but it must be done. For my
sanity, it must be done.
I glance at her friends and they're all gaping at me. Another fan on the other side of me, not affiliated with HER group, is trying to get my attention, so I exit my current conversation. Gracefully I tell her that it was nice to meet her and that I hope to see her at more shows. I hope she catches what I did there. I sincerely hope she gets it.